Anonymous asked: You mentioned in a post about radical monogamy, and how being in poly relationships still can be abusive and such. What does radical monogamy mean to you? How do you view monogamy in a decolonized perspective?
yes! you must of read "why i stopped calling myself poly.” that was true for me, and from speaking to many people it’s true for other folks as well.
i believe that monogamy, like all relationship styles does not have to be possessive, co-dependent, all consuming and fueled by jealousy. i think that people often associate these things with monogamy because we have been taught to accept these in monogamous heteronormative relationships.
i believe that we all have capacity to learn to listen to our jealousy instead of respond to it (often in abusive ways) in any and all types of relationships. i believe that we all have the capacity to unlearn ownership of our partners especially masculine privileged people. i know it is possible to have interdependent relationships with people who allow you to have a full life outside of the romantic relationship; to have the relationship be a part of the full life instead of an all consuming union. i know it is possible to have fulfilling intimate friendships outside of a romantic relationship while still maintaining intimacy with a partner.
when it comes to decolonization, i believe that having loving relationships that move away from any type of ownership, possessive model is a good start. i also think that all the forms of oppression we live with on our daily lives needs to be evaluated and talked about in relationships. for me this means having conversations about the power differences that will come up in our dynamic. i make a commitment to the person i am dating to stay accountable about my privileges and ask the same of them. this conversation is ongoing and one that will come up over and over because we are complex people with many layers of power and marginalization. i also make it a point to talk about how to be there for each other when we trigger one another, this has been a hard lesson for me in the past.
overall i think that having loving relationships where we support each others success without competition, where we allow one another to have fulfilling lives with hobbies and friendships is tip of the decolonized radical monogamy iceberg. i think there is a lot to add to this conversation. thank you for asking this.
i hope the best for you.